RARRRGHH! Nearby businesses refuse to give me discounts and free goods despite repeatedly S.L.A.M.M.I.N.G. SpaceGhostPurrp CD on counter and loudly reading the lyrics where Yung Simmie says “I need a stripperrrr”, and when I drink it sounds like he’s saying it in the voice of Butthead from MTV’s Beavis & Butthead, and that’s how I do it whenever I sing the song (often). The mouths of the till-slaves circle like scavengers, spilling out sounds that wash over and around but never through. Hmm? Yeah, this is the expensive Black Scale shirt that looks like it came from when people still cared about witch house. Oh, what’s that you were charging me for these Pringles? Nothing?
They fear my body: my alien physiology, my foreign tissue grafts, the gross thing under my armpit that’s not quite a mole, not quite a cyst and absolutely a small mountain that bleeds and screams. No matter, however (besides that which is clinging to my sheets whenever I wake up), for I have the secret new Purrp album with the hidden remix that tweets DJ Screw to descend from Valhalla and very slowly tell me I’m the coolest guy. It takes him five minutes and his voice sounds like wind chimes.
"What are you up to this week?", I say, sitting beside you. ”Any plans” and as we make eye contact I begin to pull the yarn I had previously swallowed from my throat, drenched in bile as you begin to move quicker and quicker away from me as the dripping yarn unspools from my insides (also at increasing speed). I think a lot of my dating problems stem from the the fact that when I was 8 my dad took me to see The Addam’s Family at the dollar cinema, and the whole time he kept leaning over and nudging me while repeatedly insisting that Angelica Huston was the pinnacle of womanhood. “Look at those cheekbones, Dannyboy! Onion slicers!” Now all my friends are laughing it up and living the good life with their lovers and I’m sitting around at home looking at photos of Diamanda Galas and feeling confused.
Bless me, padre, for I have skipped meals one, two and three as well. It has been two days since my last digestion. I’ve begun hanging out around the dogs of crust punks and smelling their breath because it reminds me of lunch-nap dreams of Crunchwrap Supremes: flour tortilla (warmed, softened) filled with beef (seasoned), nacho cheese sauce (warm, piquant), tostada shell (the crunch—this is the big one!), sour cream (fat reduced), lettuce and tomatoes all together, grilled up by a teen on weed and ready for me across an ocean of tears and expensive plane tickets. I wish that all the crust punk dogs would run away and find homes and be happy even though their owners don’t smell like a pissed-on fart, and I wish Taco Bell existed in Berlin.
Oh wait—THERE ARE NONE!*blasts the KEBAP TURD rave sirens* Pretty glaring evidence, isn’t it? The facts are clear: Taco Bell’s social media people don’t care for me and my tweets much. That’s because every Taco Bell product is cooked to perfection and I’m just too raw for them. Sometimes I’ll choke myself out—or get an associate to do it—instead of eating so I can pretend I’m choking on chalupas, nachos, flyspeck salad with extra hot sauce, funny dog commercial and delicious kitten turd steak, and whenever someone finds me I just laugh it off with a wink and a, “Whoa, haha—too many Baja Blasts, m’man!” If they’re a cop I say it while discreetly reflecting a middle finger giving “the bird” from my smartphone gadgetscreen off my mirrored shades. Tweet #UnWrapped if you believe that social justice is a false concept served for shit breakfast and stuffed inside a soggy waffle shell. #UnWrap the flavor of life.
Perturbator - Future Club Rabit - Climax of the Wolf Spider M.E.S.H. - Captivated Akkord - Continuum Brenmar - Medusa (Dj Tiga Remix) Hostile - Dither (? Unlabeled track from a DJ friend, holla if you know it) Byrell The Great - HAPPY CVNT Ft. Buddah & Divoli (? Unlabeled track from a DJ friend, holla if you know it) Minimum Syndicat - Shenyang Dark Sword Bruxa - U Rite Lil Jon - Act A Fool (Magic Fades Rmx) Manse - Slacker Skinny Puppy - Smothered Hope Carlo Gesualdo - Hei mihi Domine Cload Boat - Amber Road (Haxan Cloak Remix) Hound Scales - Spanners (Rubble Dub 2) Answer Code Request - Odyssey Sequence Copeland - Advice To Young Girls 3 Teeth . Master of Decay Bestial Mouths - Faceless (Funerals Remix) Silent Servant VS Erykah Badu - Violencia On & On Deadboy - Lisa Lust For Youth - New Boys Abdulla Rashim - Red Uprise The Devil, Johnny Cash, Pesci, Converge, Alley Boy, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Cocaine & The Grim Reaper- KILL RADIO KILL/THE RIDE Drake - Just Hold On, We’re Going Home (Gold Wvlf Remix)