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This is why Taco Bell never retweets me

Hey, Taco Bell’s Twitter. I’m here on a different social platform (website) to talk about the mounds of meaty tweets you continue to ignore. “Hey how about a Taco Bell in Berlin” is one. “Where’s my gross one hundred percent beef burps and barfs, where’s my late-night fourthmeal Deutschedeal?” is another. Pile them on and wrap them up for recycling because nobody wants them. If you believe Taco Bell should open a location for their vile liquid spume pre-pressed into pleasing tacoshape, tweet #UnWrapped because I need to consume something, anything from Taco Bell.

Bless me, padre, for I have skipped meals one, two and three as well. It has been two days since my last digestion. I’ve begun hanging out around the dogs of crust punks and smelling their breath because it reminds me of lunch-nap dreams of Crunchwrap Supremes: flour tortilla (warmed, softened) filled with beef (seasoned), nacho cheese sauce (warm, piquant), tostada shell (the crunch—this is the big one!), sour cream (fat reduced), lettuce and tomatoes all together, grilled up by a teen on weed and ready for me across an ocean of tears and expensive plane tickets. I wish that all the crust punk dogs would run away and find homes and be happy even though their owners don’t smell like a pissed-on fart, and I wish Taco Bell existed in Berlin.

Let’s take a look at all the things you can find here in Berlin that are «< NOT »> Taco Bell:

-Germans

-Other folks from various backgrounds

-A generally high standard of living for the average individual, artistic or otherwise

-A generally high level of tolerance for CISless lifestyles

-A social infrastructure that supports eco-friendly transport such as bikes

-An underground infrastructure that supports eco-friendly theft of said transports (recycling)

-Love (probably, email me if you have any details)

Now let’s check out all the things in Berlin that «< ARE »> Taco Bell:

- …

Oh wait—THERE ARE NONE! *blasts the KEBAP TURD rave sirens* Pretty glaring evidence, isn’t it? The facts are clear: Taco Bell’s social media people don’t care for me and my tweets much. That’s because every Taco Bell product is cooked to perfection and I’m just too raw for them. Sometimes I’ll choke myself out—or get an associate to do it—instead of eating so I can pretend I’m choking on chalupas, nachos, flyspeck salad with extra hot sauce, funny dog commercial and delicious kitten turd steak, and whenever someone finds me I just laugh it off with a wink and a, “Whoa, haha—too many Baja Blasts, m’man!” If they’re a cop I say it while discreetly reflecting a middle finger giving “the bird” from my smartphone gadgetscreen off my mirrored shades. Tweet #UnWrapped if you believe that social justice is a false concept served for shit breakfast and stuffed inside a soggy waffle shell. #UnWrap the flavor of life.

# UnWrapped
I interviewed Genesis P-Orridge and my friend Hazel Hill McCarthy. The discussion: Vodun, beauty, Western dogmatism, serpents, and lives past, present and future. 

I interviewed Genesis P-Orridge and my friend Hazel Hill McCarthy. The discussion: Vodun, beauty, Western dogmatism, serpents, and lives past, present and future. 

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